Letter Twelve

Dear Vera -


We've passed the one year mark. ONE YEAR!!! 
And oh what a year it has been. These past 12 months have been the darkest and the most painful I've had to endure, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet through it all, He has been with me.


I couldn't help go over the details of every high and every low. The lows have been my lowest, but the mountain tops; well, they have been the highest I have expereinced. 


I remember sitting in church a few weeks ago, thinking of Sister #2. I never really understood what all her journey meant, until the day that mine started. The longer I have walked this road, the more I have learned and the more that I have understood. A few twists and turns and I walk on. 


My journey isn't ended... I've turned a corner and started down a new road. 

Letter Eleven

Happy 11 Months dearest! 
If only there were enough words that could adequately express the full impact of my journey. If only I could remember all of the moments at which God stepped in and did the miraculous. So, let me remember the ones that walked the long harrowing path right alongside me. 
Sisters: 
All 5 of them - C, K, T, AE & AM 
To the original 3: Sisters by blood, but friends by choice. You were the ones that drove the miles to and from MBMC. You were the ones that climbed on the hospital bed and cried right along side me. You were the ones that held the pieces together, while I was falling apart. 'Thank you' seems so cheesy in this moment... but that's all I know to say. Thank you. You hold my heart; all three of you. 
To the additional 2: You two crossed the lines of friendship and joined the family, knowing how crazy we are. You were the home away from and the ones that stayed weekends on the couch, because of this thing we call 'The Sisterhood'. All my love. 
Parents: 
I know you both felt guilty that you could not be with me during the majority of this. Listen to me when I tell you that you have no reason to. You were there when it mattered most. You taught the four of us to rely on God and rely on each other... and we did. You were doing what you were called to do, and that matters oh so much more. I knew there was a nation awaiting your arrival, so how could I be selfish and demand your presence? I knew then, and know even still, you both are doing the right thing. Follow your heart; but most of all, follow HIS heart. 
Doctors: 
MD, SO, JB, JS
The world is a better place because of the four of you. I can't help but believe that God allowed our paths to cross years before, in preparation for  that specific day in September 2010. So here's to a team of compassionate, caring and competent doctors that believe in 'a healing Power'. 
To the countless others:
You were the ones that prayed not only for myself, but for my family. For that, I am truly thankful. 
May you celebrate the victories, remember the heartache, and rejoice in your healing. 

My Renewal: A Journey To Faith

The past several months have been a long and harrowing journey, but God has been faithful. Last September I was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. Because of my illness, I have been on monthly injections as part of my treatment. These injections are very expensive, and even with my fabulous insurance from my job, (Thank You, Lord for Starbucks!) they are about $300 each.

         Two months ago, I made a call to my doctor’s office a few days before my appointment, to confirm that they had received my injections. To my dismay, they informed me that the pharmacy would not be releasing my treatment due to an outstanding bill. I called my parents and told them what was going on and that I had no clue what I was going to do.

     My body was starting to respond negatively to the lack of treatment. My ‘ever wise’ Father informed me “You need to pray!” Of course! I was praying, but was happy that he and my Mom began interceding on my behalf. I spent multiple nights worrying about this, trying to figure out a way that I could get my medication on time.

     A week passed and still no answer.

     The day for my treatment was quickly approaching, and yet there I was, standing at the crossroads of desperation and faith. My feelings were leaning towards desperation but my heart was tugging me towards faith. Phrases like 'Be anxious for nothing...' and, 'They that wait upon the Lord' kept fluttering through my mind like a song stuck on repeat.

     Dad called me on Thursday night and asked what I was going to do. My response was short and to the point as I replied, “Dad, I don't know. All I know is that I need a miracle. And I need it NOW.”

     My nights were filled with sleepless concern, but my heart was still whispering “Just wait on God. Keep believing.” Then, on Friday before my appointment the doctor's office called me at work. “Kandra, the pharmacy has released your medication. We have it here at the office, so we're good to go for Monday. See you then!” With tears flowing I had a ‘Jesus moment’ there in the break room of my store. I didn't know why the pharmacy had released the medication, nor did I care. What I did know was that God had come through right on time!

     A few weeks later I had called my Mom. She told me something very startling that I shall not soon forget. As they were deputizing on the West Coast they were visiting some friends and the conversation eventually turned towards my sisters and I. This friend began to share an incredible story. It seems she was at work one day and over-heard a conversation about a girl in St. Louis, named Kandra that was extremely sick and needed some medication. Here is a snippet from that experience.

     “I heard my co-worker and my supervisor talking about your account and heard your name. I immediately put two and two together and knew they were talking about the Kandra I knew! I typed your name into the system and there you were! I went to my supervisor and told her that I knew you…that you had been very sick…that you had been in and out of the hospital for several months. I explained that you are the daughter of missionaries, and I was sure you had medical bills coming out of your ears, due to the hospital stays. I was able to tell her that if you didn't get your meds you would probably end up back in the hospital. The end result was she went to her manager and got approval to release the medication order.”

     This was a perfect reminder that this battle isn't mine alone. God is fighting this for me. My healing may not have been instantaneous; but healing has come, just the same. He has given me strength to look beyond my own situation and see His hand at work in and through the lives of others around me.

     Up until a few months ago, I had not been able to see past the pain, the days of bed rest, the nights spent in the hospital, the countless drugs, and the monthly injections. Had it not been for these past months of my own struggles, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to witness and befriend a co-worker of mine. I wouldn't have the privilege of teaching a Bible study to one of the new converts in the youth group. What once was thought the greatest trial is now viewed as one of my greatest testimonies. Now I see a bigger picture…one involving the weaving of people's lives, of paths crossing, and so- called unexplainable events happening in the lives of those around me. These moments are more than just coincidence; they are the product of the Master's plan. A piece of seemingly random artwork has become something beautiful. What once was viewed as ugliness is now seen as beautiful testimonies of God’s greatness.

     No, the past few months have not gone according to my plans...but I have been reminded that Isaiah 40:31 is absolutely correct: “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

Letter Ten

Dear Vera - 


Hello dearest, 
This is a happy letter! We got some good news on my birthday! We got another LU shot (bleh) and had a lovely heart to heart with Dr. dV and she was a gem as always. So a few new things are different in the treatment plan. We're up from 0.05 to 0.1 on V-elle, which will help with all the hot flashes. Although, we have to wait and see how my body deals with the increase of the dosage, we (being Dr. dV and I) are very optimistic. Another update: I have been cleared to start exercising again! As long as I don't 'go crazy' and start doing weights and my previously 'normal' 5 miles a day routine, I should be absolutely fine! 

I've experienced God's hand at work so many times as I walk this path, it's hard to keep count, yet I remember each one with vibrancy. Let me just say that my God is a God of compassion, and He knows exactly what we have need of before we know what we want.
He's the one that holds, molds, and scolds. I've been through a lot with all of this, but one thing that has remained: He's still faithful. Happy 10 months!!

Letter Nine

Dear Vera,


Where to begin? I guess from the start... or wherever we left of would be OK. So much has happened since the last time I wrote to you. Let's start with the serious stuff so we can move on to the exciting things that are happening. First of all, about two weeks ago, I had a relapse. It was not a pleasant time for me; I was an emotional  wreak. We had a hard time getting my LU shot, so I was several weeks late getting my treatment. I was slowly getting worse as each day slipped by without treatment. I went to work, went home rested for awhile and headed out the door to church. During church, it all started. My pain went from manageable to unbearable in about one hour. So we did what we do best: we prayed, and then we called Dr dV. She was on call and said, 'Let's party; get to MBMC.' So that's what we did. K & T were with me that Wednesday night, but had to leave town the next morning to take our Junior Bible Quizzers to the NCBQE. 


Unfortunately, I was back at MBMC that Friday night, without the people that knew how to hold me and my world together. The time had come for me to stand without the support of the nearest and dearest. I had to learn to let new people into the inner circle, and share details of my life that were, and still are, very personal. I soon found out that I had to emerge from the shell that I had created during the first several months of this journey. It was time to redefine me and re-examine my world. I opened up for the first time in a very long time and let those people become support posts of my world. Those people might not know how they fit in, or what exactly it means to be in my world; but they are apart of all of this. They too, are a part of the support group. 

My world has changed so much in the past few months. My world is no longer a play by play of the awful moments that were consumed with hospital stays. It's now all about looking at the bigger picture and fighting this battle, one day at a time. The battle in which there is no victory, only moments in which I can make a stand and pray that someone makes that stand with me. It wasn't always easy to stand with a smile, pushing past the pain. Smiling doesn't always mean you are happy. Sometimes, smiling is necessary to convince yourself and the rest of the world that you are strong. The times that my eyes didn't cry and my did smile, were the times when my heart cried the loudest. My world is a place where it's OK for me to be weak; because I have people holding me up, believing that I am strong. I'm strong, because I know what it's like to be weak. Slightly scarred, with a strength that runs deep, I am slowly emerging from the quiet dark pools of unshed tears and moments of extreme pain. From every wound there is a scar, and each scar tells a story. A story that says, 'I survived.' I am me. And I will be am OK. 

Heaven Looks A Little Brighter

What a heavy day this is. The sisters and I went to church, as per our custom on Sundays. God moved in such a special way. How do I know this? Because I had a migraine from all the tears I had shed. "The Mc" came over for lunch and we all spent the evening together. I went to my room, took a few pain killers and rested. I got up for a glass of water, when Sisters #3 came into my room with her phone on speaker. Sister #2 quickly followed. I was still groggy from the mix of pain killers and sleep, but I knew something had happened.

Something terrible had just happened; for the facial expressions that walked in, told me so. The heaviness was palpable, as my father's voice began to fill the silence of my darkened room. These words will forever be apart of me, 'Kanj, I'm sorry to wake you up, but I thought you should know that GM passed away today from kidney failure.'

And with that sentence, my heart was ripped out of my chest; the breath knocked out of my body. A torrent of tears fell, as I tried to sort out what Dad has just told me. He said she was gone and that MM and 'Q'M were now facing a journey through the darkest of valleys. I couldn't even hug them, or tell them that I loved them; so I cried for them. My heart broke for them. For the little six year old girl that now has to grow up without her mom, for the man that stood taller when she was in the room, who smiled bigger and brighter when he spoke about her. What could I do BUT cry? She was a daughter, sister, wife, mother, prayer warrior, and one of my closest friends while I was over there. She was beautiful; inside and out. And now, I'm told she's gone.

Sister #3 and I stood in the middle of my room and let the grief wash down our faces. Sister #2, ever so supportive and sympathetic, knew that we were close, and yet still she couldn't grasp the depth of our loss. She held us, as we held each other, questioning the sudden departure of a 'sister'. Sister #1 called from Florida and said, 'Kanj, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know she meant a lot to you.' She was part of my family. We went everywhere together and did everything together. She laughed at me and I laughed at her, most of all, we laughed together.

I wear a khanga for her today. My eyes have been flooded and rivers surge down my face, as I remember every single detail about her. Today, MM told Dad that he and 'Q'M were now alone and my heart broke all over again. I cried at work, as I remember MM telling me as we drove away, 'Don't forget us.' Well I've kept that promise. She's gone, but never, ever forgotten. This old world became a little darker, and heaven, heaven became a little brighter upon her arrival.

GM - Save a spot for me. I'm on my way, perhaps I'll be a little delayed, but as MM says so eloquently, 'I'm coming'.

Letter Eight

1. to walk with regular and measured tread

2. to walk in a stately, deliberate manner

3. to go forward; advance; proceed

4. the third month of the year

March is a special month in my family. This month brings a little bit of heaviness mixed with a little bit of acceptance, as we remember we're not alone in this journey. In March, we stand on the promise that He would never leave us nor forsake us. In March, we're reminded by those around us that God is our Healer.  It is the month, in which we stand proud and strong.  

In March, around the world we unite and support each other. Those that know, those that are learning, and those that need to know more. We're an organized body; smiling through the pain. In March, we fight like girls; going forward in the knowledge that He never gives us more than we can bear. March is our month.

Support the cause. Support her.

Letter Six

Dear Vera,

You should know that I'm a little emotional as I write this letter. I've spent the weekend on bedrest and I just found out that I have an infection that has crawled up into my kidneys. I've been put on yet ANOTHER medication. I have tears rolling down my face and I'm laying in a dark room, to broken to do anything else. Yes, I said broken. Broken, because I thought I was getting better. At this moment, I'm just ready to be well again. MB asked when I was going to be better, and I looked at her and said that was the million dollar question.

I've questioned and searched myself for any secret thing, some deep secret sin or mistake, something that that I could say, 'Oh... this is why this is happening to me.' Yet, I find nothing. I'm not ready to be like Paul and say, 'Im thankful for this thorn in my flesh, because it keeps me close to God.' Oh no. Not ready at all. In fact, I'm just getting to the place where I can look myself in the mirror and say, 'You know what? Those scars aren't so bad after all.'

I'll be transparent and admit that I go through moments of anger. How can that be? Me being a child of God, having so much anger at times that I just want to yell? Well, I'm not excatly sure, but that's just how it is. Yes, there really are days when all I want to do is yell at the world, 'WHY ME?!... When does 'enough' REALLY become ENOUGH?!' And today just happens to be one of those days. It won't last long, of this I'm sure; right now all I can do is take more medication and ride the waves of pain as they wash over my body.

Vera, the day I look into your sweet face and introduce myself, I'm sure it will be all worth it; but, I must be honest, for both our sakes, that in this moment it's hard to imagine that day. I am anxiously awaiting that day, because on that day I'll tell the world, "I won and you lost. I am a survivor, not a victim."

So, here's to the person that I will be: a survivor. And to the person that I am now: a fighter.

-Kr