Letter Six

Dear Vera,

You should know that I'm a little emotional as I write this letter. I've spent the weekend on bedrest and I just found out that I have an infection that has crawled up into my kidneys. I've been put on yet ANOTHER medication. I have tears rolling down my face and I'm laying in a dark room, to broken to do anything else. Yes, I said broken. Broken, because I thought I was getting better. At this moment, I'm just ready to be well again. MB asked when I was going to be better, and I looked at her and said that was the million dollar question.

I've questioned and searched myself for any secret thing, some deep secret sin or mistake, something that that I could say, 'Oh... this is why this is happening to me.' Yet, I find nothing. I'm not ready to be like Paul and say, 'Im thankful for this thorn in my flesh, because it keeps me close to God.' Oh no. Not ready at all. In fact, I'm just getting to the place where I can look myself in the mirror and say, 'You know what? Those scars aren't so bad after all.'

I'll be transparent and admit that I go through moments of anger. How can that be? Me being a child of God, having so much anger at times that I just want to yell? Well, I'm not excatly sure, but that's just how it is. Yes, there really are days when all I want to do is yell at the world, 'WHY ME?!... When does 'enough' REALLY become ENOUGH?!' And today just happens to be one of those days. It won't last long, of this I'm sure; right now all I can do is take more medication and ride the waves of pain as they wash over my body.

Vera, the day I look into your sweet face and introduce myself, I'm sure it will be all worth it; but, I must be honest, for both our sakes, that in this moment it's hard to imagine that day. I am anxiously awaiting that day, because on that day I'll tell the world, "I won and you lost. I am a survivor, not a victim."

So, here's to the person that I will be: a survivor. And to the person that I am now: a fighter.

-Kr