Letter Six

Dear Vera,

You should know that I'm a little emotional as I write this letter. I've spent the weekend on bedrest and I just found out that I have an infection that has crawled up into my kidneys. I've been put on yet ANOTHER medication. I have tears rolling down my face and I'm laying in a dark room, to broken to do anything else. Yes, I said broken. Broken, because I thought I was getting better. At this moment, I'm just ready to be well again. MB asked when I was going to be better, and I looked at her and said that was the million dollar question.

I've questioned and searched myself for any secret thing, some deep secret sin or mistake, something that that I could say, 'Oh... this is why this is happening to me.' Yet, I find nothing. I'm not ready to be like Paul and say, 'Im thankful for this thorn in my flesh, because it keeps me close to God.' Oh no. Not ready at all. In fact, I'm just getting to the place where I can look myself in the mirror and say, 'You know what? Those scars aren't so bad after all.'

I'll be transparent and admit that I go through moments of anger. How can that be? Me being a child of God, having so much anger at times that I just want to yell? Well, I'm not excatly sure, but that's just how it is. Yes, there really are days when all I want to do is yell at the world, 'WHY ME?!... When does 'enough' REALLY become ENOUGH?!' And today just happens to be one of those days. It won't last long, of this I'm sure; right now all I can do is take more medication and ride the waves of pain as they wash over my body.

Vera, the day I look into your sweet face and introduce myself, I'm sure it will be all worth it; but, I must be honest, for both our sakes, that in this moment it's hard to imagine that day. I am anxiously awaiting that day, because on that day I'll tell the world, "I won and you lost. I am a survivor, not a victim."

So, here's to the person that I will be: a survivor. And to the person that I am now: a fighter.

-Kr

Letter Five

Dear Vera,

Guess what?! I had another party at MBMC. This time, Dr. SO was the guest of honor. That was on Sunday, 11-28-10, just in case you were wondering. That makes it every 3 weeks now, since the beginning of this journey. Nurses, and doctors alike saw Sister #1 and myself as we walked in, and greeted us. It was nice to know that they remembered us, and disconcerting to know that we have been there that often.

So Dr SO gave me another perscription and told me to follow up with Dr dV the next day.
Dr. dv is incredible, as I'm sure I'm told you a thousand times already. Dr. dV said I'm right where I should be, regarding treatments and such, so she put me on yet ANOTHER medication that is supposed to help my bones.  A few of the side affects of LU is loosing bone density and severe bruising... which I have already experienced. I must say it's quite disturbing to look down at my body and see several bruises, and not have a clue as to how I got them. She also gave me a horse pill... she called it a 'vitamin'. It's MONSTEROUS! Never the less, I am diligent in taking all my meds. The top of my microwave looks like a mini-pharmacy.

This game of back and forth is tough; I'm not even going to try to deny it. The back and forth between home and the hospital is almost as exhausting as the sickness itself. I will make it. Anxiously awaiting the day that I will understand all of this; I will endure until the end. Quitting is not an option.

Ps - I bought you something today.

Letter Four

Dear Vera,

My oh my.

These last few days have been quite interesting. I called off work a few days ago because of a special trip to MBMC. Doctors JS, BG, and JO are so compassionate and caring; simply put, they make the ER barable. I must admit, I think they are fabulous. Altho, it's quite frustrating to be in and out of the hospital; in because of the pain, and out because they really can't do anything for this crazy disease. I'm in the middle of a roller-coaster ride, and I can't get off... even if I tried!!

Today my dosage went up on my LU shots. So instead of going to the doctors office every 3 weeks, I'm now going once every 3 months! I'm finally showing some improvment! YAY!! I'm still learning how to take care of myself, what and what not to do, what medications work the best, and which ones I'm allergic to. Those would be moriphine and dilaudid. The last time I graced the ER with my prescence, we quickly discovered my allergy to moriphine as hives started to break out on my wrist and continue to go up my arm.

To say that I was concerned would be a gross understatment. When I asked what pain meds they had decided to give me, Chvana quickly came to the side of the bed and informed the nurse that my mom and sister both were extremely allergic to this drug. Nurse No-Name (he wasn't very friendly!) quickly replied that, 'I'm just doing what the doctor ordered.' Well, he quickly felt very concerned, as he watched the drug wreak havoc in my body. Right then I learned no matter what, I'm going to ask questions, no matter what the hospital staff thinks of me.

ASK QUESTIONS; big or small. If you don't know what's going on, how then can you take care of yourself?

With the many visits to the ER at MBMC, I've learned which arm is able to take the stress of handling a IV port. My poor viens have been through a thorough work-out over the past 3 months, due to the countless IV ports and many blood tests. So it was no surprise to me, on one of the many visits to MBMC, that somebody 'chose' the wrong vein. Much to their dismay and my exceeding discomfort, my viens in my left arm were not giving a blood return strong enough to support the port.

So Nurse T tried again... thus giving me two ports to deal with during that particular visit. Thankfully that has only happened once! I do believe once is enough in my life time. I do not thoroughly enjoy being poked at, making pin cushions out of my upper appendages. As the hot silent tears rolled down my face, the stress, pain, and frustration of the whole ordeal finally sinking in, Sister #3 climbs up on the bed, and wraps her arms around me. Sisters #1 and 2 look on as we all held hands and shared 'a moment'.

They have been incredible throughout this journey. Hours upon hours spent beside my bed, feet become many miles as Sister #1 drives me back and forth each time, and the feeble attempts to make me smile through the pain; these are my sisters.



Support the ones fighting and cheer for the ones supporting,

Ktr