Hello America

Wow - what a journey it has been. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I will probably write a more in-depth post about what it's like to be back, but for now.... here are a few of my favorite moments thus far, in no particular order.

Talking on skype with Sister #3 in London.
Walking off the plane in Chicago... and was suddenly infused with a rush of adrenaline, knowing that all the pieces of this puzzle would finally be in place.
Seeing my sisters through the glass door at Lambert International Airport.
Watching Sister #3 run towards me, as I ran to her to give her the biggest hug since January.
The group hug that I shared with ALL my sisters.
Being the first one to see the girls. (Mom and Dad were getting the rental.)
Laughing hysterically in Taco Bell with my Mom and sisters, as Dad just sat there and shook his head.
The talking over, interrupting, loud and extremely chaotic conversations that we shared sitting in the living room... as a entire family.
Singing Christmas songs, just for the pure enjoyment that it brings me... knowing that it annoys the other 3/4.

Stay tuned for many more moments of R happenings.

Well folks... it's official.

The time has come when I must pack my bags, and bid farewell to this beautiful place. I will be leaving Tanzania in exactly 2 weeks.

As Mks, we've all said many goodbyes. Some were happy, some were tearful. Some were easy, and some were not. Let me assure you that this particular goodbye found it's home in the 'NOT' category.

Reality has yet to sink in but the hole in my heart is already huge. How does one so casually say good-bye to a country and people who have so aptly grown to be part of who you are? I don't think that it can be done.

So for now, I'm going to be packing my bags, shedding my tears, and humming 'Happy Christmas' as I count down the days. Why? Because right now it is too painful to digest the fact that I have to leave my 'home', so that I can go 'home'. It's too scary to think about starting college and getting a job when I'm so confused about the future. Because I know there will come a day when excitement will be replaced with dread, and the joy of seeing my sisters will be replaced with the pain of leaving Mom and Dad.


So now - just let me stay here singing my Christmas songs, and just let the excitement build. Because reality comes to quick, and goodbyes take to long.

Tansparancy = Thankfulness in Trial

A couple of days ago, I found myself wishing for something OTHER than sickness. Discouragement. Frustration. Pain. Memories.

I wanted just ONE day filled with yellow tulips and butterscotch Werthers, the sound of my sisters arguing, and a dinning room that was not silent, but rather, filled with the laughter and chatter of my family together again. That was what I wanted.

And then... reality showed up. Reality reminded me that I won't always have days like that. Reality reminded that life is gonna deal some hard knocks. Sure, there will be a few days of yellow tulips, but mostly it is a process of creation. In this creation is a molding, pushing, prodding, and ever evolving process. God made it that way so we would be ever progressing into the person He wants us to be. But then comes a flash of hope. A breath of something new. A whisper of a promise.

What promise, I asked myself. And then I remembered.
It is the promise of His grace being sufficient for me... the one of His strength being perfect in my weakness.

In our moments of frustration and discouragement that Jesus shows up. In the middle of our mess, He shines on us and BECAUSE of our situation, He shows Himself strong. He didn't say FOR everything give thanks... He said IN everything give thanks.

Since March I have been dealing with something that was NOT filled with Werthers. Begging, pleading, praying... it seemed that whatever I said, my words just reached the roof and fell back down into my lap. But it wasn't until recently, in my prayer time, that I had a little breeze of hope come floating by. I was starting my litany of 'Now God... you know.... so HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHNG'.... when I felt His presence enter the room where I was kneeling. Ever so softly, I felt Him whisper to my soul, 'Why don't you THANK Me for this situation, instead of begging Me to fix it every time you begin to talk to Me? Don't YOU know that I alread know about it? That I knew before it ever came to you, that you would go through this?'

To say the least; I quickly shut up. This wasn't a mere suggestion, this was a gentle rebuke that showed me I had never thanked Him. Right there, my attitude changed and the litany came to a screeching halt. In the midst of my mess, I can STILL thank God! I still have reason to praise Him. He knows the way I take - Every frustration. Every moment of discouragement and every weakness. But here comes the promise - He also knows my moments of victory.

So YES - I'm still going through a mess, but I now have a new song to sing. A new battle cry. A new song is being written. It keeps going over and over in my mind like a track stuck on repeat: 'IN EVERYTHING GIVE THANKS'.

Don't kid yourself - there are still moments when I want to scream 'I QUIT!' to the world; but just when I think of opening my heart to let those words out, I hear a soft, ever so quiet voice say to me, 'My grace is sufficient. My strength is perfect for you. Right now. In this moment. You CAN do all things with My help!' It's that whispered promise that lets me know I can make it through. If only for one day.

So it begins. Pushing up from a deep quiet place, and beyond the brokenness. Despite the pain and tears; it starts as a whisper just trying out it's new found freedom. With a boldness it begins to grow and build; until it reaches it's fullness. A song breaks forth from a soul bowed down with frustration.

Thank you Jesus.